ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

To be precise, it’s what I won’t be getting for Christmas.

Like a number of other regulars I was ambushed a few weeks back by the swathe of blow-ins buying a ticket for the Munster game.

Nett result is I don’t have a tick for the game.

Now before you all adopt the UAFC messageboard form of turkey poo, I’ll say right away, it’s my fault. I was like small ‘p’ on 65 minutes, lost concentration and failed to notice until it was too late that the Terrace was sold out.

I hate the prom by the way, my last experience of it was finding a decent spot and 5 minutes into the game two boyos arrive and shove their way in to stand directly in front of me.

Being vertically challenged like small ‘p’ my match ended more or less there. Fortunately it’s on TV so I’ll not miss the ‘B’ teams playing each other.

What I did though was plough a huge furrow towards Ravers on Wednesday and purchased a Tiggers game ticket. Seemed business in that direction was going well.

In a further piece of luck, I think I related previously my guests of a few weeks back at the Clermont game clubbed together as a thank you for hospitality and bought me plane tickets to the Clermont match.

The only minor worry was I’m due to return on Sunday. The game has been scheduled for Saturday so all is well in the land of Park!

 

All I want for Christmas Part Deux!

‘All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth’, sang a member of the Front Row Union. BOOM! The fairy godfather dentist, I. Will Fixit appears out of nowhere, in a shower drill spray and for a few hundred pounds plus VAT, installs two crowns.

What a pantomime!

 

Christmas Greetings

Time for the traditional Christmas greetings to the readership and sundry other friends.

To the ed. Thanks for letting me sound off for yet another year.

Best wishes to you and the FRU for 2012 and to my readers who persistently give themselves headaches trying to make out head and tail of my scribbling.

To GC, Flat Top, Boys on Tour, the noisey rabble, er 2nd Barrier Crew, the supreme Leader Kimble, Ragin ‘cajun’ Raven and everyone else who I forgot to mention in my haste to type this…

Have a good one or two and see you in 2012!!!

 

Talking of Good Ones

One can see how we are at least 5 years away from Rabo direct domination according to the latest forecast from the YTD index.

Ulster’s cunning plan to lull the Mexicans into a false sense of security will last approximately 5 minutes before the gringos realise the baby faced assassins opposite are in reality just baby faced and nothing more.

UR’s plan to send what is effectively a Ravens team to play Leinster seconds on Boxing Day is nothing short of scandalous.

If you happened to shell out about £50 quid to go and watch in person, you are likely to see a Valentines Day type massacre for the young Ulster hopefuls on Boxing Day.

I could be wrong and the youngsters put up something of a fight but in boxing terms this one is likely to be all over in the first round.

Judging by comments on various website there is considerable opprobrium coming Ulster Rugby’s way and rightly so. They may give a good account of themselves but I guarantee they’ll lose.

The Irish Times pulls no punches, this is one of their milder comments:

‘On release of the Ulster starting XV at noon yesterday this reporter attempted to place a sizable bet on Leinster at 10 to 11 with a handicap of minus 11. We were informed that betting on that game had been suspended. When it came back on the market later in the afternoon the new handicap was minus 24 points’.

We were mildly amused when Shane Logan first talked about world domination, now we really see the funny side of his grande plan, it involves becoming a laughing stock.

Should mention that Munster have been sending their 3rd XV up to Ravenhill over the years for these fixtures without a hint of even a mild rebuke from the southern hacks.

The only difference being they actually make a contest of it and will probably do so again this year making a mockery of UR’s strategy to sacrifice the Leinster game.

Just glad I’m not going to either match though no doubt the quality on show will make little difference to the Christmas blow-ins whose spending power will no doubt inform UR and the IRFU of the validity of it all.

 

Beechey!

Bumped into my cousin Beechey Park psychologist to the Ulster rugby stars, (as recommended by Paddy Wallace) who was home from exile in London where he has been attending to Ulster supporters in exile.

Many have become enmeshed in extreme negativity, pessimistic thoughts and serious musings on Ulster Rugby.

Led by the two minded Darkside Lightside, this coterie of serious minded individuals continue to peddle dark and negative thoughts about Ulster rugby on the UAFC messageboard.

Where there is only sunshine and crazy light as epitomised by local man Jackie Brown, the exiles issue only dire warnings, dreaded omens of disaster and wan beacons of optimism when all grim portents of financial Armageddon have been exhausted.

Beechey has endeavoured to help them using all his long years of experience honed to a crisp, dealing with Ulster’s rising and not so retiring rugby stars.

He does admit it’s an uphill struggle against people so conditioned in negativity as to think that Ulster’s attempt at world domination is on a par with an environmental disaster featuring a super tanker oil spill.

Beechey has also been dealing with the regular Ulster fan through his e-mail and column advice. Here are some extracts.

Dear Beechey,

I still cannot pass Ulster rugby merchandise in the cookery shop without purchasing a scarf or two, a shirt or even the odd scrum cap.

Yours Alec Addick.

Beechey says,

Ulster rugby should be so proud of you. Has the Dominator spoke to you personally or shaken your hand yet? With you spending so much on merchandise, it can only help swell UR’s coffers.

At this rate of going we should be able to purchase 3 1F’s, 2 Terreblanche’s, one Adam D’Arcey, a scrum cap and a kicking tee.

Keep up the good work Alec. Your team needs you.

Hey Beechey,

I have a very public fixation about cheerleaders, (the Ulster public have a rite 2 no!) See, first sentence, I’ve mentioned them already.

Can you help me???

(Name and address supplied.)

Beechey still says,

NO!

Dear Beechey,

I still cannot see over the barrier and those big flags get in my face. Wot can I do!!

Wee girl.

Beechey says,

The 2nd barrier crew have never been known to discriminate, in fact you could say they are indiscriminate. What’s new wee girl?

Beg your dad to remove you from such ludicrous company in case you become a permanent raving lunatic like them.

HAPPY XMAS ALL!