Well, they’re are back and they’re badder than ever. Now that the super-injunction has been lifted in Northern Ireland the Insider can, once again, give us their own unique view on life, love, larks and liggers in Ulster Rugby and beyond!
RUGBY BALLS From Ravenhill
FRU Awards Dinner: Guests attending the next FRU Awards Dinner are in for a real treat according to host Dewi Barnes when, for the cabaret, they will be presented with a world premier of Hitler’s Last Symphony, ‘The Retreat From Siberia,’ as performed by Dewi and Ragin Raven. It all came about when Dewi purchased a Hotpoint fridge harmonica complete with neck brace, music score, and three trays of ice cubes for £2 on e-bay.
One of the main attractions will be audience participation as each male guest will be invited to place an ice cube under his scrotum during the performance whilst Dewi plays harmonica and Ragin Raven bangs his head against the table to replicate the sound of artillery fire.
According to Dewi guests will be able to experience what it was like to be ball froze and in the midst of that terrible din during those dark days of 1943. He hopes that when the performance finishes in a little over an hour that guests will still be near their chairs.
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Memorabilia for sale: Hundreds of farts in screw top jars including the complete 1999 European Cup winning team. Many Six nations and some Tri Nations . Also some from beer tent. Offers to Box 90.
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For Sale: Baked beans in 30 gallon drums(ex Lidl clearance). Would suit students or unscrupulous memorabilia dealers. £3 per drum. Contact Box91.
Redevelopment: CEO Shane Logan has promised Ulster supporters no expense will be spared in 2012 to put a roof over the Food Village to ensure that supporters are kept warm and dry during pre match dining. He also promised that subject to budgetary constraints, the Ravenhill dining experience may be further enhanced in 2013 with the introduction of salt and pepper and tomato ketchup.
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Mural: A life size mural depicting the bar in the beer tent and measuring 48 X 8 feet which is intended to be hung behind the new bar in the new stand at the War Memorial end has just been finished by the artist Kimble.
FRU resident artist Ballpark was asked to value the mural for insurance purposes and after a cursory inspection he declared, ‘If it had been a copy or even a forgery it might have been worth a few bob but it’s probably worthless as it is an ‘original Kimble‘.
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Under tha counter/Fer sale/Wanted: Congratulations to Holywood Mike who has used this UAFC site to purchase an MRI Scanner for £5. Said Mike ‘Although I haven’t taken delivery yet I still don’t know why I bought it. I think I need my head examined!’
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Welsh rugby star suspended for being decent and courteous: Welsh International rugby star Dai Jones has been suspended by the sport’s governing body for “decent, courteous behaviour” after being found completely sober outside a nightclub.
“Jones”, the statement added, was outside the club as he “thought the loud, drunken bawdy singing inside was offensive. He didn‘t even need to be cuffed or wrestled to the ground, the big Jessie”.
It’s not the first time scrum half Jones has been in trouble with the authorities. In 2006 he was banned for a month after refusing to take part in the singing of the Welsh team bonding song, “Mary had a little lamb” in an Edinburgh bar, and in 2008 he was again disciplined for suggesting to team-mates that they drink sensibly and treat women with respect.
During last year’s Six Nations championship Jones was roundly criticised for not taking part in the traditional after-match food-fights, hotel trashing, and drunken brawls.
Sir Rhodri ‘Pitbull’ Morgan, chairman of the disciplinary panel, said: “Jones’s attitude has again been a disgrace to the game. We set high standards for bad behaviour firmly rooted in the traditions and morals of a bygone era, and Jones has not lived up to that standard. For example, not once in an international career which has taken him all over the world has he ever attempted to drive a golf buggy down the M4 in the overtaking lane. He’s a disgrace!”
We are going to throw the book at him this time and if anybody disagrees, they’re welcome to see me in the car park after I’ve finished this ninth pint. We can have breakfast later. Mary had a little lamb / she kept it in a bucket / and when her cousin Taff came round / he’d take it out and …“, you know the rest.
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Personal: I was the bloke with the Bahrani flag finishing off a six pack of White Lightening. You were the cheerleader, gaffer taped to a metal chair in a disused warehouse. Who was that other bloke in combats with the sink plunger? Was he a plumber? What happened next? Tel. Holywood 123456
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Personal: We sat together on the Ulster supporters bus to the RDS. Bad breath. Good breath. I was the one with good breath. Which one were you? Contact Box 92.