theinsider by INSIDER


In a true display of democracy an Ulster Rugby Supporters meeting held at Newforge Country Club gave the audience of approximately 27 members the opportunity to publicly voice every last one of the inane thoughts and concerns they would normally only have the chance to utter to themselves.

Though the meeting was ostensibly held to discuss a proposed fitting of a skylight to the beer tent Chairman Kimble inadvertently opened the floodgates to a deluge of of ill informed, off topic diatribes on inconsequential bullshit, when he allowed those in attendance to demonstrate their God given gift of language.

"I don’t want to have some supporters suffering from cancer, or whatever, on my conscience,” said 17 year old internet WUM, Stupid Logic, who had apparently not heard the portion of Chairman Kimble’s opening remarks just moments before explaining that the risk of cancer from an open skylight was very small. "I also heard somewhere, I think from my cousin, who is a reporter with the Daily Star, that an open skylight can cause cancer, just like breathing or sleeping."

Members quickly lined up at the podium to exercise their freedom of speech, for which countless Ulstermen have died, to publicly drone on and on about everything from the root causes of the rugby teams poor performances to whether school children should be playing sport at all.

"Now I don’t know much about skylights , but you all know me and the kind of things I am interested in," said Holywood Mike, seizing the opportunity to hear his voice echo pointlessly off the auditorium walls. "I’ve been saying for years that that we need cheerleaders and I came here tonight to see what was being done about it!"

Mike’s grievance instilled an undeserved sense of confidence in the rest of the crowd and emboldened others to abandon the practice of forming cogent thoughts and instead allowed streams of mind numbing nonsense to spill ceaselessly from their lips.

"Who’s going to stop the dancing on buses?" said For Cod and Ulster, East Belfast chip shop proprietor and a bona fide, class A moaner. "Do I have to stop it myself? What’s it gonna be? Dancing on buses or no dancing on buses? I don’t want to name names but the culprit’s initials were ‘F’ for Freddie and ‘B’ for Benson!”

After an awkward 15 second period of silence, For Cod and Ulster thankfully moved away from the podium, only to be replaced by Thick Ulster Chick who seemed eager to prove that she had the brainpower of an autistic dog.

"I’m just going to say one thing because I don’t want to take up too much of anyone’s time," said Thick Ulster Chick who then somehow managed to link the skylight to the lack of opportunities for women in the Fire Service, her inability to get in the fast queue at Marks & Spencers check out, and the confusing over abundance of mobile phone deals.

Added Thick Ulster Chick, "Also, Chairman Kimble, you need to get us out of Afghanistan. Now!”

Over the course of the six and a half hour meeting, the only variation on the endless monotony of inconsequential concerns was the occasional tone of bemusement.

"This Club used to be so different", said 76 year old R. McClean, as if he were starring in a film in which one person’s impassioned speech is so powerful that it leaves the rest of the audience in stunned silence. "Kids are different! Adults are different! People! People are different! What happened? How do we get back to the way things were? How, Chairman Kimble? I fought in Korea – and Thomond Park, and by God I would do it again!", said R. McClean who immediately retook his seat.

With no conclusions reached as to why a skylight should or should not be fitted to the beer tent, Chairman Kimble opted not to shoot himself and let his brains spray over the crowd, instead adjourning the meeting and thanking everyone who had taken the time to speak.


New Ulster Coach Brian McLaughlin has lost no time in telling his Ulster squad that he is not impressed by their lack of discipline.

McLaughlin has particularly highlighted the number of high five slap exchanges given which were out of proportion and unnecessary for a team which finished eighth in a league of ten teams. "Abuse and inappropriate implementation of the gesture is epidemic," said McLaughlin. "Celebratory high fives are marking such mundane accomplishments as getting boots on the correct feet, putting on a scrum cap unaided, and signing autographs with joined up writing and correct spelling."

McLaughlin has called for the use of restrained high five alternatives such as the ‘thumbs up’ and the exchange of curt nods. He has also warned the squad that he will soon address other vexing issues such as spitting in own half of the field, demanding high energy drinks twenty seconds after the match has started, and the return of videos, CD’s, and library books within the allotted time.


A reporter for Stand Up magazine recently attended Ravenhill in search of a heart-warming story to feature in a future issue. He hoped to extract the heart-warming story from some members of the Second Barrier Crew who are widely perceived as Ulster’s most vociferous supporters.

The reporter wanted to show what a decent bunch of guys they really are. When asked for a heart-warming experience however none of them could recall for example, helping a pensioner across the road, finding an abandoned baby or rescuing a puppy in distress.

The reporter left Ravenhill disappointed and a little disheartened while the Second Barrier Crew burgled and looted a few houses in Ravenhill Park on their way home.

1 Comment

  1. That was funnier than Wilde. Not “Oscar” mind you. Donnie Wilde used to write “sucks c0ck” after every girl’s name in the school newspaper. I think it was an obsessive compulsive thing. Was funny as hell at the time and still makes me giggle when I’m boozed up.