The Insider, Ulster Rugbyby INSIDER

Fat Controller Appeals to Depressed Ulster Rugby Fans

Almost interrupting his lunch at the Ravenhill ground of Ulster Rugby, the Fat Controller made an emotional appeal to fans feeling suicidal after Ulster’s recent results. Shovelling huge spoonfuls of potato into his mouth he told assembled reporters,

“I know what you’re thinking, but with me it’s glandular. Nevertheless I feel compelled to speak to those supporters who are currently contemplating taking drastic action on account of their depression and to ask themselves this question. Have you purchased a Season Ticket yet? If not, why not? Do you realise that by purchasing a Season ticket you can help Ulster Rugby and also be included in a posthumous draw for International Tickets. Don’t be so selfish and think only of me, me, me, all the time about your bloody selves! Now somebody pass me the chips and the custard tureen!”

Event Security Baffled by Bottle Shaped Paper Bag Mystery

Event Sec. Operatives, R. Jimlad and Percy Veers, have reported how they witnessed an Ulster Rugby fan raising and lowering a bottle shaped brown paper bag frequently to his lips during the recent Ulster/Cardiff match.

“It’s a real mystery,” said operative Percy Veers. “Judging from the way he kept putting the paper bag up to his mouth, you’d think he was drinking something out of it. But obviously he wasn’t, since paper can’t hold liquid. It would soak right through instantly.”

Operative Veers said he was patrolling the area with R. Jimlad when he noticed the fan clutching the strange bag.

“It’s part of our job to monitor for intoxication, so when we spotted him we slowed down to survey the scene. I thought maybe he was drinking but as it turned out he was just putting the bag to his lips repeatedly. Such behaviour may be strange but it isn’t against any rules. Whatever was in the bag must have been pretty heavy because he staggered under the weight of it when he got up to go to the toilet. He almost tripped over a Japanese flag he was carrying as well. Boy, it was weird!”

‘ I Am One Badass !’ claims Doakie.

Yo, yo, yo, All Y’all, T-Dog is back in da house wid ma ‘pointment as da Skills Coach. An’ da playaz realize dat ah’s gonna walk on d’ass if they start sumthin’ dat ah don’t approve. Ah have emphasized to dah playaz dat ah don’t approve pickin’ up da ball an droppin it, in a spillin it scene. Ah tells dem that ah nevah evah picked up da ball, even at da ruck. No! I used to say to de ref,” Hey c**ksuckah! Deys got der dabs all ober the motherf**kin ball ! What’s you gonna do c**ksuckah? Then he give us da penalty an’ the good doctah kick da points an’ it’s do da, do da, day! So lesson one as fah as I am concerned is, Do NOT touch the motherf**kin ball at any time or yo’ have to answer to me, the meanest badass in the clubhouse. Hear what am sayin you motherf**kahs! Say aftah me’ Oh Lordy, Lordy, Ah have seen the light!’