Fuzzy Logic Sex Life Exaggerated During Lady Doctor Visit
During a routine physical examination it is believed that Ulster rugby supporter, fourteen year old Fuzzy Logic, embellished his sexual exploits to impress his lady physician, Dr. Alison Vonterlant.
“Unprotected intercourse? Sure, I have it all the time.” Fuzzy said. “Partners? Thirty or something. I’ve had so many, I can’t even remember.” After nodding thoughtfully, Dr.Vonterlant told Fuzzy, “I’m sure, but if you do actually ever have sex please make sure to use a condom and a water based spermicidal lubricant.”
Ulster Rugby Deny Steriod Use
Ulster Rugby today issued a statement in response to reports in the media about steroid abuse within some sports, including rugby. A spokesman said, “Although we recently appointed a Steroid Coach this does not necessarily mean that our players take steroids just as we also have a Skills Coach yet no one could suggest that our players have any skills as a result. The main job of the Steroids Coach is to check the player’s syringes before a match and make sure they are not filled with Red Bull and vodka or a sixty minute tonic. We have used every means possible to get our guys to turn away from enhanced performance aids by trying, for example, to get them interested in sports, especially rugby!”
Rory Best – Is Hanging Too Good For Him?
Two wayward throws by Rory Best in the home match against Glasgow has one fan calling for the restoration of capital punishment. The irate fan who wished to remain anonymous said,”All I want is a bit of consistency. As a fan I believe that if I’m consistent then that is the least I should expect from the players. Every match, before I leave the house for Ravenhill I simply refuse to be dragged into my wife’s marital problems, then I have to run the gauntlet of the ‘charity muggers’ outside the ground, and then I have to listen to the most useless DJ in the western world and the puerile chants of the Second Barrier Crew. A fan can only take so much, and as Best’s throwing was ‘criminal’, then I have no hesitation in calling for the restoration of the death penalty.”
Rooster To Film Future Matches In ADHD Format.
The great news for Ulster Rugby fans who suffer from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is that technophile and camera wizard Rooster has elected to shoot future matches in ADHD format. Said Rooster, “Nowadays few people have the time to sit still to watch an entire match and I feel I must cater for the needs of an increasingly inattentive and hyperactive audience. By increasing my camera speed from 24 frames to 120 frames per second I can condense most matches to about six minutes. This includes replacing all set piece moves like scrums and line outs with car chases, shoot outs, and explosions, which has the added merit of convincing the ADHD sufferer that he is flicking through the TV channels as normal.”
Since a majority of Ulsters matches are only watchable for a few minutes at a time anyway it is thought that Rooster could be on to a sure fire winner, especially with ‘corporates’ and ‘prawn sandwiches’.
Unidentified Man Places Cheerleader On Pedestal
Onlookers were bemused when a man bearing a Japanese flag placed a cheerleader on a pedestal in front of the City Hall on Easter Tuesday. However, the PSNI had to intervene when the unidentified man tried to attach the cheerleader to the pedestal using a combination of super glue, double sided tape, and six inch nails. The man is now under arrest in Donegall Pass police station and has so far remained unidentified. The word on the street is that he is either an illegal immigrant, or a ‘headcase from Holywood’.