Radio Rugger Ruck n’ Roll Show
“Goooood morning, I’m Pidgin’ Pete and this is Radio Rugger bringing you all the latest from the world of ruck n’ roll. We tell you how to roll with the ruck and ruck the roll.”
Today’s headlines are:
Ulster Rugby’s quest for world domination continues out of focus at a secret hideaway in Portugal!
Ulster maniac goes berserk on a message board!
…and cyclist claims ‘win’ one lap early!
We also ask is Trevor Brennan an Arsonist?
Ulster’s Quest for World Domination Continues at Secret Hideaway in Portugal
As Ulster’s foot soldier’s slaved away behind their laptops, keyboards and Ryanair schedules, trying to plan this season’s campaigns on foreign fields and braving intermittently vacillating weather, the shock troops were in Portugal at a warm weather training camp.
Hazy pictures, slightly out of focus, showed the troops going through various routines such as gentle wrestling with one another, tactical indoctrination under a parasol and humiliation routines from medical and coaching staff who can clearly be seen laughing their stethoscopes off at some unseen unfortunate.
The photos of the sessions appeared without fanfare on the UR website during the week and were clearly blurry by UR’s pristine standards, indeed were it not for the captions it would not be obvious who the participants were. A caption wasn’t necessary though to identify the slim outline of Dr. Humph standing with his boss Herr Logler on the touchline.
Whilst wishing to protect the location of this secret mission by use of soft focus pictures, it’s clear that there is serious intent of purpose by UR to hone the killer instincts of its squad and their sun tans.
Radio Rugger can assure the foot soldiers that the presence on the touchline of no less, the main man and his sidekick, away from their desks and laptops, is a sure sign that UR have money to burn and are taking this year’s campaign extremely seriously. Only BJ Botha and Andy Trimble, plus shoulder joint victim Pienaar were the notables missing from the Portugal training camp.
Ulster maniac goes berserk on a messageboard!
Indeed BJ’s absence and appearance at a Shark training camp via a Getty press photo, caused a poster to go maniacal on the UAFC message board.
Positively frothing in negativity at the end of his keyboard, Ulster Maniac launched a frenzied attack on the absent Botha, wondering aloud why BJ wasn’t in Portugal instead of doing cruise missile impersonations at tackle bags, complete with watch still firmly strapped to his wrist. After being subject to pacification measures by other members of the forum, Maniac was reduced to fuming level when it was pointed out that BJ was keeping himself in trim between Tri nation games.
As things returned to their normal levels of vitriol and prolonged conjecture on the forum, it was left to a Mr. F logic to explain the presence of BJ’s watch on his arm during a training session.
Clearly well versed in the art of things that tick, Mr. Logic explained that players sometimes wore watches at training to remind the coaches that their promised 2 hour session remained just that, 2 hours and not a second over it. Perhaps citing a self induced experience, Mr. Logic explained they might sneak off training early using their watch as a timing device for seizing the right moment to abscond.
Goodness the things you learn!!
A Life in the Day of Andy Trimble – FRU Player of the Year
With so many gone to sunnier climes Newforge must have been a lonely place last week. One of the bereft, Andrew Trimble sought life enhancing solace at Belfast Harlequins on Wednesday evening in the company of FRU editor Dewi Barnes, whilst receiving his much merited FRU player of the Year Award from a Leaf Property representative and a holiday for two in Lanzarote.
“Thanks!” Beamed an effusive and humble Andy,
Clearly a busy boy, Andy’s tyre tracks had scarcely dried out of Harlequins car park than he was to be found visiting the kiddies UR training camp at Campbell College on Thursday morning. With his injured hand in well strapped, Andy was probably let off signing autographs.
Indeed this minor but awkward injury reminded me of the time I fell whilst playing footie in the gym as part of my pre season rugger training. Being extremely right handed in things like washing my teeth, signing my name and never questioning the need for two hands when tying a shoelace, I experienced a somewhat unpleasant 3 or 4 weeks before having the plaster removed.
As a student at the time and on my summer holidays I was required to sign for my giro at the post office. A task I explained to the suspicious postmaster I couldn’t do given my incapacitated right hand. I eventually convinced him that my injury was genuine and that a friend could sign on my behalf.
As for my shoelace, it became undone as I walked through the grounds of the Royal immediately after treatment and a kind hearted ambulance crew on standby at the depot spotted the discomfort of a hand in plaster and rushed to my aid.
Washing my teeth with the left hand was far harder than I ever imagined, even causing me to wonder should I bother to clean the molars. If you are extremely right handed, try brushing your teeth with the left hand and you’ll see what I mean. Though don’t come running if you break any teeth or tell the dentist I told you to do it!
Andy meanwhile is taking his holiday in Lanzaland next year I’m led to believe, and after hopefully scoring a load of tries in next year’s world cup, such is the busy life of a rugby professional.
A Burning Ambition???
Under the headline “Disgraced Irish rugby star Brennan reveals a burning ambition” on the UAFC board, one is entitled to ask this rather incendiary question. Is Trevor Brennan an arsonist?
The answer is no, not as far as we know anyway. The truth behind this smouldering headline is rather more prosaic, Trevor wishes to make his rugby comeback and make up for those five lost years resulting from a lifetime ban reduced to five years on appeal, for his savage attack on a spectator during a rugby match.
Trevor in an apparent attempt to airbrush his past as a rugby thug has just featured in a RTE programme as an all time Irish sporting great. One presumes O’Driscoll, Campbell and Slattery et al were out of the country when the request slips went sent for programme material.
For sure Brennan played for Ireland a few times and as a rugby player could be said to be big hearted in the sense that his commitment couldn’t be faulted but he was essentially a limited player who couldn’t control his temperament.
My abiding memory of him, other than his Toulouse criminal assault is watching Australia v Ireland at Lansdowne Road and Trevor being held by two Aussies whilst Kefu punched the daylights out of him. The result was Brennan walked and Ireland were reduced to 14 men, losing the game in the process.
…and cyclist claims ‘win’ one lap early!
Being a professional means many things in sport, not the least knowing the laws of the game your playing, how many men should be in a lineout, (especially when you call it) and why a linesman puts a flag up or an umpire calls, “new balls please!” Last week during the Tour of Poland, a rider from team, Vacances Soleil, broke away from the peloton to solo ride into the city and then complete 3 laps of a 6 km city centre circuit.
The lone rider was approaching the finishing line on the second lap and with one lap to go and was clear of the peloton by about 30 seconds. As the commentators speculated that he would be reined in by the other teams before the end of the 3rd lap they were startled to see the cyclist raise his arms triumphantly as he crossed the line, blowing a few victorious kisses to a bemused crowd before being informed by a passing camera crew on a motorbike, he had another lap to go. The crestfallen, would be victor slumped over the handlebars and was duly swallowed up by the charging peloton. One can only imagine the amount of banter he received from his teammates for that one.
Reminds me of a guy who intercepted a pass on the halfway and raced clear only to trip on a blade of grass 10 metres from the line. One of his teammates, (not me I hasten to add), following up, managed to knock on, under no pressure whatsoever. They left a bemused crowd tittering at the comedy value of it all whilst the two culprits grinned in that awkward fashion when you have just made a complete hash of a straightforward task.
…and some breaking news just in!
The All Blacks are reported to be playing against 14 men in practice matches. An All Black source said they had analysed their last 5 games and spotted a trend developing. Meanwhile the Aussies and Springboks have been playing practice matches with 14 men and a referee with a green jumper and a white stick, having reputedly spotted a trend in their matches with the All Blacks.
See you all on Friday night.