As the phoney war twixt Lephrecauns and Boks hots up I decided to trawl the gutters of rugby’s underbelly for the little things that don’t matter but take my mind off the forthcoming Armageddon at Croke Park.
3RD OR EVEN 4TH MAN?
Word on the ongoing recruitment of the new Chief Executive who will guide Ulster rugby into the 21st century reached an apogee of excitement aboard the HMS UAFC when pundits speculation on the job interview reached new areas of speculation not seen on these shores since Patrick cleared out all the snakes.
Having outed man nos. 1st and 2nd, the UAFC message board ‘rumours’ section has set about the speculative hunt for the 3rd man who messagees believe is a lesser man than the 1st and 2nd man. Indeed the much dreaded and so far anonymous 3rd man is believed to wear a blazer and is known to empathise with anyone wearing a blazer which will apparently make him extremely popular around Ravenhill as there are loads of blazers reputed to lurk there in every nook, cranny and Cranach!
Obviously this is disappointing to read after you believe you have been reliably informed, as I thought I was, last Saturday evening in the Rosie as to the identity of the new CEO. The name I was whispered is one of the first two men, now reputed to be out of the running for being too good at interview and I believe, probably didn’t wear a blazer!! But could there be a fourth man someone who is a blazered blazer? This could run and run and let’s face it, any topic to which Kimble is a major contributor, could do any number of extra miles.
URSC – WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?
Speaking of the Original Kimble, he made a contribution to the BBC’s outstanding, ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ series. Having pondered the programmes criteria of something relative that you are connected to, he chose the Ulster Rugby Supporters Club, of which he just happens to be chairman, as his subject for ancestry investigation. I can exclusively reveal a sneak preview with the opening shots showing Kimble travelling down a rain lashed coast Road to Larne. He is en route to meet a cousin of the URSC, a Club Ulster stalwart.
Standing forlornly in a lonely windswept car park just outside Larne, Kimble is flanked by a phalanx of TV crews and a battery of lights. He is filmed talking to a hooded figure whose face is half obscured by an Ulster 1999 scarf. The man intones to Kimble, “we used to meet in the Scoop bar and talk about Ulster rugby, now all the URSC do is stand on the terrace chanting, waving flags and reading comics”.
Concluding the brief programme, the camera pans across the Ravenhill car park and zooms in on a brightly lit first floor office in the UR admin building. A large figure is silhouetted against the un-shaded light bulb and can be seen packing several books into a suitcase as a diminutive figure watches opposite. The camera pans in and the large figure can be heard saying, “I used to meet the Club Ulster in the Scoop for a drink and a chat about my beloved Ulster Rugby, now all youse do is stand on the Terrace chanting, waving flags and reading comics to each other.”
At that the credits roll and the film fades to a last lingering shot of the large man packing his bags, a tiny bulbous tear, like a distant undiscovered planet, illuminates Kimble’s visage before being quickly wiped into history.
URSC – Who Do They Think They Are? Coming soon, courtesy of the Beeb, when they have a 30 second slot to spare after midnight.
WATTS IN A NAME – A PUNISHING TAIL
One of Ulster rugby’s most powerful rugby supporters is known by the name of Watts. The ohmnens for his rise in status can be traced to an eccentricity of behaviour involving many a volte-face and some awful current switching of allegiances. This guy is totally wired in and can be found on the second barrier circuit. Do you know this man, have you been within his magnetic field recently? Answers by e-sourcing.
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RONAN’S WORLD CONTRACTS
Last week’s column, if anyone can remember it, had a little piece about Ronan O’Gara and how he might find himself in the same situation as Humph once did when O’Gara ruled the roost. Straight from left field, if you know what I mean, O’Gara finds himself on the bench and a younger rival facing him down. Humph of course handled his rival’s contretemps with considerable grace and a certain weary resignation eventually. Can the Cork galactico do the same or will Deccie be another coach treated to a training ground outburst?
MIKEY WORLD BREACHED
World informs me that Holywood Mike, the man whose name is synonymous with cheerleaders in the way that China embraces human rights and America carbon emissions reduction, has been a little coy of late.
Mike I learn has been offered the chance to be in the company of erm cheerleaders though fortunately (for Mikey) this reality intrusion into Mikey world won’t last as he really prefers to be talking about girls with pom poms not waving them!!
BJ BEAMS UP
From the plains of Africa a career is reborn as word reaches this column that it’s adopted player, BJ Botha could start against Ireland on Saturday with a view to doing a scrum number on Ireland’s creaky front row tub.
As conspiracy theories go, perhaps that is why ‘big’ Tom Court has been removed from the 22 in anticipation of BJ being picked and coming up against someone he has good knowledge off. Since I wrote the latter piece BJ has made it into what is shaping up to be a strong Bok front row.
Two things could happen here, either Hayes steps up as he has been known to do when the chips are down or Ireland will take a thrashing up front and a tanking in the backs. The Boks only have CJ Van Der Linde and the grandly named Bismarck to bring on should they sail into stormy front row waters whilst the Irish have the dynamic Cronin at hooker and the gusher favourite Tony ‘hitman’ Buckley to come on and teach those numpty Boks a lesson in front row warfare.
Incidentally Gusher’s commentary was such in the last twenty minutes against Fiji that one imagined Tones was playing Fiji on his own. On one occasion, as Ferris burrowed below Fijian bodies to stop a try, Gusher could be heard describing how Buckley was once again stopping a Fijian assault all by himself. I swear my eyes did not deceive me but the boul Buckley was at that very moment of Gushers gushing admiration, actually resting both sets of knuckles on the backs of his fellow players whilst loitering at the back of a ruck. Meanwhile the unheralded Ferris was actually stopping a try!!
As BJ Botha might say, ‘Whoah!’
Corrections, comments or questions?