Riots at Ravenhill.

The FRU have learned that the PSNI have warned the Ulster branch about possible riots at Ravenhill following the announcement that the terrace will not be open for the pre-season friendly matches later this month.

Local community police officer, Padrig O’ Patton–Commission, told The FRU,

“Since my accelerated promotion I have been responsible for community policing in the Castlereagh and Ballynafoy districts and it has come to my attention that over the last few days two rival groups of supporters are trying to pre-arrange a confrontation to determine standing areas in the Promenade.

It is our belief that the subversive organisation, and devout terrace dwellers, the Red Hand Second Barrier Crew are determined to treat these games as a show of force and are fully determined to oust the aging Continuity Boys on Tour from their usual standing location in the Prom to finally determine who is Ulster Rugby’s ultra Ultras!

We believe that the Second Barrier Crew will be coming fully armed with flags, flagpoles, and other weapons of mass irritation, however as it’s likely that the Boys on Tour will get lost on their way to the meeting point the expected riot may not materialise after all. Rumours that other supporters may chose to abuse the Second Barrier Crew are pure speculation!”

One unnamed supporter, who we’ll call Mr Kimble, contacted The FRU to express his concern. Kimble stated,

“I have infiltrated the Second Barrier Crew over the last few years and I have compiled a dossier on their behaviour which I’ll be handing over to constable O’ Patton–Commission at the earliest opportunity.

I have deep, deep, concerns at the possible consequences should the unkempt and unwashed Second Barrier Crew make good on their promise to storm the furthest reaches of the Promenade. The likes of Cap’n Grumpy and Holywood Mike mixing with the great and good of Ulster Rugby, pushing and shoving trying to get to the beer tent, singing and shouting, it’s really just too much to bear – it’s bound to end in a riot!

Another anonymous source, believed to be from the Boys on Tour, who we’ll call David Twin, told The FRU,

“We were contacted by someone purporting to be from The Second Barrier Crew challenging us to a “chant off” at the Ulster v Newcastle Falcons game. They stated that their aim was to give The Promenade back to the people, and give the people freedom from depression by Alecadoos by whatever force necessary!

We said that’s fine and left it at that.

Do you know if Ulster have signed this boy Horua or not?”

Make sure you don’t miss out on the “Riot of the Centaury”. Tickets on sale from Monday.

More like this:

• View from the Prom!
• Texel Society to sue Ulster over image rights!
• Ulster Rugby to Charge a “Match Day Experience” Levy!
• Little Big Horn Looms