theinsider Some things you didn’t know about Ulster Rugby

1. 97% of Matt Williams’ harshest critics failed their 11 plus.

2. The Second Barrier Crew evolved out of a failed Alcoholics Anonymous support group

3.  The FRU is the third most popular internet site for Ulster fans after viagra.com and morepies.co.uk

4. Ian Humphreys was spotted in East Belfast chip shop ‘For Cod and Ulster’ buying a Hawiian burger and a fish supper. After eating the burger he declared, “I don’t think I could tackle a fish supper”.

5. Ulster fan, Willie Woantie, feels he may have damaged his metatarsal, although the most strenuous thing he does as a civil servant in any given week is to reload his office printer’s paper tray. Forty one year old Willie thinks that he may have damaged his metatarsal after stubbing his toe on his comatose boss. “Ooh, I’m gonna have to ice this tonight,” said Woantie, rubbing his foot. “I only have twenty seven sick days left to enable me to make a complete recovery.” Doctors however said that Woantie’s condition is probably soreness resulting from a complete lack of exercise.

6. 2% of Ulster fans are recovering from broken hearts according to researchers from the University of Ulster. “We have conclusively linked heart sickness to living in remote caves, bramble covered forest huts, and the terraces of Ravenhill Rugby Ground”, said professor of solitary psychology Dr. Lars Torders. “The loss of a lifetimes one true love seems to be enough to drive some people into splendid isolation in arctic regions or the terraces of Ulster Rugby.” The study noted how some fans were driven from human contact by the desire to run across the Ravenhill pitch towards referees whilst urinating through their knee length beards.

7. An Ulster Rugby beer tent barmaid was ‘deeply hurt’ by an unfinished drink at the Ulster/Glasgow match. “I made that drink specially for him,” said a visibly shaken Clare Voyant. ” Why would he leave almost a third of it sitting there? If something was wrong with it, he should’ve told me so. Then I could fix it.” According to co-workers Voyant hasn’t been this upset since a patron vomited four pints of carefully crafted Magners Cider on to the counter at the Dragons match.

8. Ulster fan, Colm Inches, was pushed well within the limits of human endurance, which did not exceed his ability to persevere, when he joined the queue for the burger van at the recent Ulster/Cardiff match. “The line was really long and I realised that I had an appointment with my dentist the next day,” said Inches, recounting the inconvenient event which did no lasting damage. “Then I realised that I hadn’t made up my mind whether to go for the burger or the gravy chip and I didn’t have a pen to write down my order. If I had left the queue to to use a pen I would have lost my place and had to start all over again. Luckily someone in the line lent me a pen.” Despite the unremarkable series of obstacles, next day Inches still arrived at the dentist on time.

9. An Ulster Rugby office worker has been sent to a combat post in the Middle East after criticising Mike Reid’s handling of the swine flu outbreak in Mexico. Rubber band, paper clip, and carbon paper store keeper, Tilda Kauskomholm, has been posted to Afghanistan to teach her a lesson.

10. Queens University scientists have discovered a ten year old stain unearthed from a coarsely woven cotton Ulster Rugby shirt. “The stain, in scientific terms is what is known as ‘ground in'” said Professor D. Partures. “We have no doubt that it is one of the 1999 lifestyle stains that plagued Ulster Rugby during the run to the European Cup final. We are not sure if it is mud , alcohol, or grime, but we are determined to be tough on grime and the causes of grime, even though we believe it may be alcohol!”

#SUFTUM