RUGBY BALLS from RAVENHILL
by INSIDER
Move over MUM
Few fans can have missed the recent appearances of Mid Ulster Maestro at Ravenhill with his bright yellow fluorescent jacket and orange weatherproof trousers. It pains the FRU to point out to him that by standing so close to the Second Barrier Crew he could easily be mistaken for the guy in charge of the ‘holding pen’ for the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Colzo fails again
Commiserations are offered to Colzo who recently had a dalliance with a Munster lass which unfortunately led to much frustration. It was probably due to his youthful inexperience but he didn’t appear to know the old adage, ‘You can take the girl out of Cork, but you can’t take ………’
Ballpark bons mots
Serial story teller Ballpark is believed to have contacted the FRU seeking advice on whether he should put more fire into his stories.
The advice given was vice versa.
Nostalgia ain’t what it used to be.
It is sad to report that The General is growing ever more disdainful of modern professional rugby players who spend so much time waxing their scrotums and rubbing moisturiser into each others buttocks. Oh how he longs for the good old days when a turd placed in a team mate’s kit bag, or a blob of ‘Deep Heat’ in his jock strap, was a more relevant expression of the old amateur player’s comradeship, masculinity, and maturity.
Doakie hits back at critics
Criticised by supporters for using some colourful language including the word ‘motherf—-r’ at a recent Ulster match, a defiant Doakie has hit back. In a well thought out riposte our Doakie has urged his critics to,” All y’all go f–k yo’selves and yo’ mama too.Y’all be bullshit !” So far it is understood that none of Doakie’s critics in the ‘hood have responded to his ‘ themselves f—–g’ offer.
Now you see him, now you don’t.
Supporters of Ulster Rugby concerned about the recent disappearance of Cap’n Grumpy will be relieved to know that the simple explanation is that he is currently studying for his Boy Scout Camouflage Badge. Allied to his Silly Chants and Stupid Banners badges this will make him the most decorated boy scout since American humourist Shelley Berman observed that boy scout troops are, ‘A bunch of boys dressed as jerks being led by a jerk dressed as a boy’.
Bus trip to Leinster
Supporters intending to travel to Leinster by the URSC bus are reminded that drinking,smoking,swearing,singing,vomiting,gambling, spitting and ribald jokes, will be permitted, but in order to make the journey as pleasant as possible for ALL passengers a ‘ Strictly No Dancing ‘ rule will be enforced by the bus steward ‘For Dog and Ulcer’. After an unheeded initial warning of ‘Sit down Freddy Benson!’ passengers are advised to look away now, as some violence could ensue.
HWM urged to drink more responsibly
Scottish Courage Brewers,the manufacturers of White Lightning cheap cider, have urged HWM to drink more responsibly after seeing him puke into the shoe of a cheerleader at a recent Ulster match. Chief Executive Mr.John O’ Groats said,’ We are concerned for the welfare of good customers like HWM and are sending him a voucher for £20 to enable him to claim a pallet of 3 litre bottles of White Lightning. Having 7.5% alcohol by volume, a 3 litre bottle contains 22.5 units and comfortably exceeds the UK Health recommendation of 3 units daily.’
Rapidly swelling CEO may contain traces of peanuts.
Ulster supporters are growing increasingly concerned about the apparent rapid increase in the volume of the Ulster Rugby CEO. Although he recently ate a KFC Family bucket all by himself on his way to a’ Banquet for Five’ at the Wan King Chinese restaurant an unnamed source has claimed that the CEO may have eaten a plate of chicken curry prepared in the same facility as dishes containing peanuts.It was therefore reasonable to conclude that the CEO may have contained traces of peanuts when he began experiencing difficulty tying his own shoelaces, and fastening trouser top buttons . So far the purple-faced,swelling CEO has refused to comment.
Kimble gutted after recent health check
A recent health check at the Ulster Clinic using DNA and the latest carbon dating techniques has revealed that Kimble has a life expectancy of only another eighty years. Stll reeling from the news that he may only live until the age of 127 Kimble fears that he may never see his beloved Ulster qualify for the knockout stages of the Heineken Cup or the completion of the Ravenhill Development Project. “I’m gutted,” said Kimble,”and I’m still trying to come to terms with this tragic news. Does anyone have Max Clifford’s telephone number?”
Is nothing sacred ?
Rugby players and aficionados who rushed to copy the tattoos of All Black players thinking they were replicating some sort of sacred Maori drawings now feel a bit sheepish as it is revealed that they were, in fact, copied from a catalogue of Victorian iron railing designs.
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