THE WITLESS PROTECTION PROGRAMME

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THE WITLESS PROTECTION PROGRAMME

The other week Dewi told me he’d be inducting me into the Witless Protection Programme.  Apparently some person/s had been enquiring as to my real identity, as if the photograph on the intro to this blog wasn’t enough.  Mind a few posters on the UAFC messageboard could join me.


Last week, I was caught, one more time, on UAFC Main Street.  The sidewalks here are dangerous with the chances of being run over every bit as likely as has Ronan O’Gara facing the French midfield.  The aptly named Oh Gerry, formerly known as Gerry O conveniently summarised Ireland’s chances, against Italy this weekend, with all the panache of a joyrider.


Like Wyatt Earp shooting bottles off a wall from all of 5 metres Gerry was in vintage form, opining:

There is nothing there to scare Ireland.”  BANG! “I only see three players that would make it onto the Irish team:”  BANG!! “Sergio Parisse & the two props.”
“Keep it simple,” BANG!!! “gain parity at the breakdown and the win will come.”


At least Gerry knew the name of at least one Italian player and the relative strength’s of two others.  Armed with these simple homilies, Declan Kidney’s Ireland should be suitably girded for battle in Rome, though Deccie should be looking over his shoulder at Gerry, potential Ireland coach in waiting maybe?


PREAMBLES & COACH IN WAITING

Another Irish coach in waiting, a few seasons back at any rate, was Micheal Bradley.  Friday night saw the start of the 6N rugby with the Ireland ‘A’ match first up on RTE.  Along with Mark McCall, Bradley was seen as being groomed for the top.  With Connaught in a mess, Bradley’s star has waned and as a coach he now appears lacking form.    Combine the coaches poor current pedigree with selections of players who are also lacking form or match practice and you get the sort of dross served up at the RDS.  Here was an Irish front five who were screwing their opposite numbers into the turf and as a preamble for open, thrusting rugby, with laser like backline moves exploiting the potential of youngsters in the Irish backs such as Cave, Matthews & McCrae.   With Sexton at outhalf the threatened display of running rugby never materialised.  The ball was shipped out wide early on with predictable tying up of wingers and players out wide getting isolated.


Sexton is not playing regularly for Leinster.  I would assume there’s a reason for that, namely he isn’t good enough for a first team place.  Nevertheless, here he was ahead of the on form Ian Humphreys in the starting line up.  Sexton scored most of the points including a try and on the face of it you would assume all fine and dandy, selection justified.


Yet if there was one small incident that summed up Sexton and this game it was his shallow swallow dive to score a try in which, under no pressure from an opposition player he appeared to knock on when grounding.  He missed the resultant conversion, in part due to not running the ball close to the posts which he could have done instead of showboating.  Sexton stayed on for the duration of the match.   One can only cringe, but Irish rugby doesn’t need this kind of mentality.


Cave, the next big thing in Irish rugby was unwell during the game and was substituted for yesterday’s next big thing in Irish rugby Barry Murphy at half time.  Bazza, who is most remembered for being allegedly booed off the pitch at Ravenhill with a broken leg, promptly made a 40 metre break upfield before succumbing to the general malaise that beset this match.


We won’t know if Ian Humph can move an Ireland ‘A’ backline, yet alone a full international one on the basis of this showing as he came on but played at full back whilst Boss who might arguably supplant the stuttering O’Leary in the full Ireland XV played out on the wing without looking noticeably like a fish out of water.

At the end of the game it was clear that Sexton is not the Ronan heir in waiting, nor are we any closer to knowing who is.   This is the real sad part, there was little evidence of a desire to put pressure on Ronan O’Gara.  The result was another jar half empty half full performance from the man himself in Rome.   Whilst we are uncertain who will replace him, not because of injury which precipitates the ‘heaven help us’ brigade but because the player himself is shuffling along at 10 with no pressure on him to knuckle down and produce 80 good minutes of rugby..


CASE FOR CASEY

Never been a fan of Bob Casey and don’t watch the GP all that much as I’m not a fan of that either.  However on the evidence of Friday night, he’s a big lump who does some good things, talks a lot and generally looks like yer average big lump of a second row who needs to learn that tackling doesn’t involve landing on top of some unfortunate player and hanging like a limpet to him, whilst bringing him to ground by sheer body weight.

Casey for Ireland’s second row isn’t an option in my humble opinion.


HOOK OR CROOK?

Not a fan of George ‘gravitas’ Hook.   Never have been and unlikely to grow into liking him or worshipping his very dress as some people seem to do.  He sailed close to a litigant wind last week when he pronounced, at a prescient moment, that had Nigel Owens been an Italian soccer referee in their Premier League he’d be under investigation.  He was of course referring to Nigel Owens pinging of the French in the Ireland game.  IMHO if you are going to insinuate this sort of match fixing type scenario then you’d better have your lawyer ready.  Italian soccer has been plagued by bribes type machinations involving players and referees and Nigel Owens is in no way guilty of this type of larceny.   Quite simply Hook should withdraw this kind of soundbite and tailor his comments as per other pundits in the studio.  I.e. Stick to rugby or be pinged, Hook line and sinker.


THE APT MR. D’ARCY

Still on Hook, the calls for D’Arcy’s starting return for the England game grow ever louder.  It is all too easy to forget whilst we remember the immediate impact of D’Arcy’s cameo in the last two internationals, that here is a guy who takes distribution to mean finding a forward to give the ball to.  Regrettably the man he is tipped to replace was selected on the basis of his distribution skills but has had little chance to show them because Tomas O’Leary does so much box kicking that O’Gara seems to see little of the ball unless Stringer comes on.


Like Ulster players preceding him who have challenged the southern media’s favourites, Wallace is the subject of the cheap aside in the press re perhaps a dropped or mis-timed pass which is magnified at the expense of all the other good things he does.  So the ‘case’ builds against him.  Nor is Kidney, like O’sullivan before him likely to stand by his man under intense media questioning though Peter O’Reilly in this morning’s Sunday Times suggests he will.  After all if he is not showing his distribution skills it’s because the coach selected a scrum half who takes on the ball himself and therefore the selection of Wallace is a tactical contradiction.


THE JUDGE RETURNS TO EARTH!

The Judge, aka BJ Botha, Ulster’s erstwhile tighthead continues to enlighten his readership in the motherland.  BJ was soaking up vitamin D like nobody’s business whilst also increasing his intake in red wine and meat before he headed back to work at Newforge last week.


The Judge has rather unkindly given his motherland readership the impression that such luxuries don’t exist in good ole Norn Iron.  Perhaps BJ has swiftly forgotten his last visit to Forestside were red meat and wine can be purchased in abundance from a number of salubrious outlets in that shopping centre or indeed any other located on Belfast’s ring roads.


I assume UR’s nutritionist is taking a keen interest in BJ’s calorie intake whilst he lived it up under the African sun.  I imagine the scales were visited earlier in the week by BJ and the nutritionist to assess any gains he may have made whilst on hollerday.


PINKERTON KAMEL

Conspiracy blogger Kamel has been hard at it recently on the rugby front.  Based in a remote region of Outer Mongolia, Pinker has made it known that he sees Mongolia joining the Magner’s League.  Kamel is seeing similarities in Mongolian wrestling with rugby and thinks a regional tribal team would fair rather well in many aspects of rugby.  Our traditional wrestling makes us natural scrummagers, opines Pinker as he grapples with the sheer simplicity of his rather odious comparisons.

Of course there’s never fire without a little smoke in the offing and what has fuelled Pinker’s latest’s conspiracy blog is the fact that I reported last week on BJ Botha slumming it up under the African sun.  This is apparently a camouflage for a rather more onerous task by BJ.  It is to pave the way for the saffies Super 14 franchises to join the Magner’s League.


Nothing to do with the thirsty springboks arriving at a Magner’s watering hole then?   Rather it is the quest for a level rugby playing field where there are no more nightmarish time zones to cross just to play a game of rugby.   Pinkers when quizzed as to why the Saffies won’t be joining the Heiny cup, (the NH’s answer to S14) will tell you that a swift look at the Boks record in winning Super 10 – 14 is very poor.  In recent times they’ve won it once when the Kiwis entered weakened teams.   More prosaic is the chance of actually winning a competition if they enter the ML.


A more likely explanation for this unlikely story is that the Saffies are due to renegotiate TV rights for Super 14 and a little nudge and wink will help along negotiations.


JUST A PITY LISBURN ISN’T A REAL CITY

Pinkers saves his best for the last.  Apparently the strong euro is responsible for the increase in Ulster players on the Irish team.  The IRFU are now finding Nordie players less expensive than their southern counterparts.    Indeed so good is the exchange rate that the Irish team have already trained at the Maze.  Accommodation for the squad has been a problem as there are no hotels in the nearby ‘city’ of Lisburn.


More engaging is the legendary stories about John Hayes lifting power in the lineout.  In training at the Maze the Bull has apparently been lifting PO’C and DOC over the few remaining H block walls though it is not known what happens when the two locks fall over the other side.


OH GERRY!!!

The Italian game has come and gone and Gerry’s review has been subjected to a little market testing:


There is nothing there to scare Ireland,”  opined Gerry, Well nothing apart from Kearney almost having his head separated from his neck and nothing that two intercept tries wouldn’t help alleviate.


“I only see three players that would make it onto the Irish team:”  “Sergio Parisse & the two props.” Says Gerry. Of the two props Castrogiovanni and Perugini, there was little to recommend them.  The first one played like a headless chicken before taking a breather whilst the latter found his way into the sin bin.  Wouldn’t have them in the Ulster team let alone the Irish national one.


“Keep it simple, gain parity at the breakdown and the win will come.” Ireland over complicated in the first half hour and tried to throw the ball about, epitomised by Flannery’s behind the back pass that went nowhere.  In the end rugged defending and sheer bloody mindedness saw them through when they were able to hang on to the ball and go through the phases before landing a knockout punch or two.


Thanks for the insights Gerry but stick to crochet as it’s simple, won’t cause you a nervous breakdown and you’ll be a winner at it.

 


As BJ Botha might say, chat soon.

 



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