By – Mystic Keg
(The rambling predictions of a drunken astrologer)
Aries (March21-April19) GerryO
Your habit of falling back on arguments about your part in the success of the ‘Peace Process’ during every debate won’t help decide whose turn it is to take the bin out.
Taurus (April20-May20) Colzo
You swore that your love would last until the seas run dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you’ll be single again as of Thursday.
Gemini (May21-June21) Holywood Mike
How many more cheerleaders must die before the Chinese government realise that they must free Tibet? Your prediction that “another two should do” it is woefully wrong!
Cancer (June22-July22) NeilF
Your foolproof plan to support your debauch “mature student lifestyle” by robbing the biggest bank in Edinburgh will go sour when you overestimate your friends loyalty, trust the wrong woman, and sleep in.
Leo (July23-August 22) The Original Kimble
You’re finally entering that period of your life when the things that you want to do greatly outnumber the things that you are capable of doing.
Virgo (Aug23-Sept22) Cap’n Grumpy
Everyone has one of those uncles who knows how to fire a machine gun, fly a helicopter, and catch a trout – everyone that is, except for your nephew.
Libra (Sept23-Oct23) The General
A high speed car chase, followed by a gun battle, when you appoint two estate agents to sell your house, will do a lot to convince you that estate agents are becoming desperate.
Scorpio (Oct24-Nov21) Freddy Benson (Is he still alive? – Ed)
A bizarre misunderstanding on your part will result in your going to church every Sunday to speak sincerely to invisible entities with the belief that it might do you some good.
Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21) Ballpark
You’ve been forced to conclude that people are just no good, no matter how you slice, purée, braise, fry, or sauté them!
Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19) Rooster
They say you never hear the shot that gets you, but thanks to the acoustics in your bathroom you will hear all fifty nine of them perfectly.
Aquarius (Jan20-Feb18) Goodaine
Try to keep a sense of proportion next week, especially when helping yourself to a slice of strawberry pavlova and a “small” vodka!
Pisces (Feb19-Mar20) Dewi Barnes
You’re starting to develop a sneaking suspicion that other people are having more sex, parties, and all round fun than you are, which just proves that it takes a while for you to catch on sometimes.
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One Response to “Horrorscopes”
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Whats a bathroom ?
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